Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
