Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
