Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
