You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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