i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
