Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
