I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
