well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
