i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
