I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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