Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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