i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
