i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
