Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
