i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
