I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I am available for nakedness
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
