saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
