Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
