I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
