I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
