im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
