i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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