you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
