Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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