i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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