Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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