Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
