apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
