captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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