Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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