I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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