: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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