Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
