textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
