I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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