No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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