Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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