He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
