Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
