a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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