You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
