i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
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