Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
