Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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