now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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