this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just sucked dick on a ferry
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
