I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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