I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
everyone is single if you try hard enough
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
