Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
