This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Are we still banned from the library?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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