I think im going to throw up on grandma
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
