Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
